Back during the summer, the hospital management dreamed up the ``Success 2000'' program. This is their way of taking care of the employees, without whom the hospital can't run.
This memo describes the program. You weren't supposed to see it, so don't click on the link.
In October, a flier was distributed to several of the hospital employees. This flier describes features of the ``Success 2000'' program and how they benefit the employees. The text of the flier follows.
| Success 2000 Employee Benefit Program | |
|---|---|
| feature | benefit to employee |
| eliminate free coffee | lower blood pressure, reduced kidney stress, less time lost to breaks |
| increase food charge | weight loss from eating less, less change weighing down pockets |
| eliminate birthday meal tickets | reduced aging, perpetual youth |
| eliminate flowers | less chance of allergies |
| eliminate Christmas party | less danger of accidental choking, fewer distractions from work |
| eliminate gift certificates | no need to fight with the crush of holiday shoppers |
| eliminate raises | reduced income taxes. note: this feature may not be available to some levels of management. |
| reduce tuition coverage | brain to be less cluttered with trivia from classes. |
| eliminate pension match | no need to have extra paycheck deduction for that pesky pension. |
|
cut pension
contribution by 20%: 5% > 4% |
when we said ‘‘mirror F.R.S.’’ we didn’t promise to clean the glass. besides, many people will be fooled into thinking it’s only a 1% cut. |
|
increase prescription co-pay you pay 50% more |
drugs are bad for you. just say ‘‘no’’. we’re here to help. |
| eliminate disability programs | employees will stay healthy and able to work. please, no worker’s comp claims either. |
Hospital finances may be sound. Bills may be paid timely. Please don’t call Commissioners Jeff Portman (736-9411), Raymond Long (734-1375), and Steve Deluca (734-6654) to share your feelings about Success 2000.
Legal mumbo-jumbo:
I’m obliged to tell you that
this is a paid political advertisement
provided in kind by
P.O. Box 1208,
DeLand, FLA 32721.